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secret-footballer

Week two, click here for week one

Monday

Decided to move in with Jeanie from Garthdee for a bit (the Gaffer doesn’t need to know). It’s lovely getting your mince and tatties at 5pm every day, and she even irons my tracksuit bottoms for me. Plus there’s the sex eight times a day. Struggling to keep up, but my cardio stats are massively improving. I wonder if all the houses on Garthdee Road have sex dungeons in them. I thought Westhill was where the swingers lived…

Tuesday

Jeanie died. Mid stroke. Not from the corona virus, but natural causes. Dave Cormack’s going to be furious. Don’t think us calling up Aberdeen supporters to check up on them was to lead to us actually killing them. This is a low. Went back to my flat and had a very sad wank.

Wednesday

Coronavirus is the great leveller. Unless you are an Aberdeen FC footballer. Phoning up elderly fans to check up on them on behalf of the club, all I get is ‘why didn’t Big Joe call?’ ‘Will you get Lewis Ferguson to call, he’s a great player, I like him, he’s not shite’, ‘Is Drew Jarvie still playing, now him I like’. Aye, even the ones with dementia are mean to me.

Thursday

I miss the lads so much. The lack of banter is getting to me. I took a shit in one of my own shoes today, but it just wasn’t the same.

Friday

I’m going stir crazy. I’ve watched all of Pornhub. There’s nothing there I haven’t seen, several times. Am considering uploading some of my own cam work to help others out. Trying to plan a new career after football. Considering learning a new skill. Maybe get an education. The Open University has a lot of stuff apparently. I’ll have a look at that when I’ve more time.

Saturday

I’m now off of AFC phone duties. An old fella was laying into me for being shite, I finally snapped and called him a c*nt. Of course he grassed me off. In my defence it didn’t say in Dave Cormack’s crib sheet, I wasn’t allowed to call them a c*nt, but as Dave Cormack explained to me in a TWO HOUR Skype call, it shouldn’t need to be said.
On a yella.

Sunday

A ray of sunshine, Dave the Dachshund took a shit in my shoe today! He gets it, he gets the bantz. That guy has helped me through so much, he truly is this man’s best friend. Also he kind of owes me as I had to stick three fingers up his arse to help ease my Apple Watch out last week after he swallowed it (tricky trying to get purchase in such a tight space). We really bonded through that experience.

Everyone remember to wash your hands.

RIP Jeanie. Yer mince and tatties were amazing and what a ride!

Part one is here. https://thedandydons.com/secret-aberdeen-fc-footballer-blog-part-1/

secret-aberdeen-footballer
secret-aberdeen-footballer

On the back of Niall McGinn’s excellent blog on the official Aberdeen website, we at The Dandy Dons have an exclusive blog from a secret Aberdeen FC footballer.

Monday: Training. Worked out if I soak my head in the shower, and pretend to be out of breath on Skype, the Gaffer and the lads think I’m still training. After ‘training’, mainly eating Doritos, watching Netflix and regular bouts on Pornhub. So all caught up on my wanking. I used to laugh at the married players for being with the same woman all the time. Not laughing now. None of my girlfriends would move in with me for the lock down as they decided to stay with their husbands instead. And a couple of them are concentrating on their Highers.

Tuesday: We’ve to download an app, so our training can be monitored, as ‘someone’ wasn’t doing it properly. Rest of the lads well pissed off with me. So now my Apple watch is passing details to the Gaffer of my training and all my vitals go to the medical team.

Wednesday: Discovered if I put my Apple Watch on the dog, and get him to run around the garden for an hour, my stats are brilliant.

Thursday: The dog has swallowed my Apple watch. The Gaffer is furious with my training stats and the medics think I may have Kennel cough.

Friday: I’m in deep shit, literally. As the dog finally shat my Apple watch out. Both myself and Dave the Dachshund are very relieved. Washing my hands a lot. Did some calls to elderly supporters checking they are okay on behalf of the club. A lot of people think we footballers live a very privileged life, but I have to tell you that deep in the Coronavirus pandemic to be told by an 83 year old great-grandmother called Jeanie from Garthdee, ‘yer fuckin’ shite min, why didn’t one of the good players call me!’ is quite tough to deal with…

Saturday: One to one Skype with the gaffer. Learned a lot, as considering going into management myself after career over. Apparently wanking doesn’t count as cardio. Disappointingly, nor is it weight training. Also I’ve not to put my brilliant version of the toilet roll challenge onto social media as The Gaffer says ‘No-one wants to see my penis’. A number of ladies at Babylon would disagree with that!

Sunday: Uncomfortable moment as I thought we were off today, really shouldn’t have answered the Skype call mid wank. Will never be able to look Tony Docherty in the eye again. Popped in past Jeanie in Garthdee with some messages. She’s quite the goer. Any port in a storm.

Part two of the diary is here.