Although at least I managed to get the word ‘greeting’ into it… Subtle wee plug for the day job too, down near the bottom…

Ryan Fraser:
“Am I flattered with these continual comparisons to Jimmy Johnstone and Willie Henderson?

No, because I’ve never heard of either of them.

The player that has inspired me most is Peter Weir, and if I can even be half as good as him I’ll be delighted”.

“The referee booked Maybury early and that was, I think, a sensible thing to do because it meant that Fraser then could play.”Seriously Broon, Seriously!? Is it really more important people like you, than the good of Aberdeen football club? Seriously?

It was a straight red. The kid gets kicked off the park in every game he plays. Everything that is wrong in Scottish football is on show with the treatment he receives. Here was your chance. A televised game. A perfect example to point out to the media, and in turn referees that talented players must be protected for the good of Scottish football. We know the media are incompetent, and need to be directed very forcibly towards important issues in Scottish football.

And what did you do? You played the nice man. So everyone likes you. What a nice man. What an incompetent self serving prick. Yes the squad is better, yes the team is playing better, but fuck off now anyway.

Last night the call was given to the only man who can save Scottish football from financial oblivion. After the ‘oh God we’re shite, please please help us’ negotiating tactic used by the SPL’s 125k a year head cockwomble failed to convince the hard nosed business negotiators of SKY TV and ESPN to either stop laughing or throw cash at Scottish football, there was only one man to call on.

Seen in the sky above Scotland last night

Former Northern Light fanzine writer, Sun TV critic and Aberdeen supporter Ally Ross. As the highest ranking News International employee, not facing a prison sentence, he is the man with the power and influence to convince Murdoch to part with his billions, with no possible return on his investment whatsoever. Just as soon as he takes his head out of Rebecka Brookes’ arse, long enough to stick it up Murdoch’s.

Ally Ross of the Sun can get us the money for, say nine new players, all the other teams can just fuck off. If Ally does the business, all the cash is ours.

The continued references to Ally Ross on this site are in no way shape or form linked to him being on the subscribers list for the Dandy Dons. Someone’s been googling himself!

We will not reveal his email address as divulging confidential private information is something the Dandy Dons would never do. It’s not The Sun.

And a warm welcome back to Dundee in the SPL. Been a while since the fair city of Dundee was represented in the top flight…

With the news the Death Star exploded yesterday, it was declared the Rebel Alliance have won. Lots of middle aged men, who frankly should know better, were yesterday singing the Star Wars theme very loudly, waving invisible lightsabers and adding what they thought were pretty cool sound effects, but were really a bit shit.

A spokesman for all right minded Scottish football supporters said ‘Na na na na-na, na na na na’ really really loudly, with a shit eating grin on his face.

A spokesman for Rangers/Sevco/Newco/whatever said from behind a Darth Vader mask ‘the Empire will strike back’ before adding a wheeze, as Coisty is quite the fat bastard these days.

He then added ‘you’ve no idea just how many women I’ve shagged. I am most likely your father. I’m everyone’s father’.

Jabba the Hut (Alex Salmond) ever the populist, having cottoned on to the fact the Rebel Alliance were the vast majority, declared ‘All Scottish sports journalists will be taken outside and shot in front of their families. Or alternatively made to wear an ill-fitting gold bikini like Princess Leia. Although to be fair, they wouldn’t look like bigger dicks than they already do’.

A spokesman for Celtic was told very forcibly (geddit?) ‘It’s not that kind of Rebel Alliance, so fuck off’.

As we all know the saga ends with a giant ewok party after the forces of evil have been defeated. The only difference with our version is, there will be no fucking teddy bears at our party….

Statement. We have gotten it, right up us. End statement.

Scottish journalists: a statement

Statement. We are a disgrace to our profession. Know nothing about football, or anything else, and should all retire immediately. End statement.

Aberdeen football supporters: a statement

Statement. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hullo, is that Pittodrie? I want to re-new my season ticket. End statement.

It a surprise announcement on the club’s website, managing director Duncan Fraser told the World, Aberdeen FC was indeed the proud owners of not only a pair of testicles, but a soul too. It was previously thought these were lost many years ago, and would never  be seen again.

He went on to add, “yesterday’s announcement that Rangers FC will reform as a New Co brings a degree of clarity to the situation. However there are a number of other investigations ongoing.

Like everyone we wish to see them resolved as soon as possible.

A large numbers of our supporters have made their views and feelings very clear and as a Club I can assure everyone that these are being taken into account. The integrity of sport in general and football in particular must be central to any decision.

This issue has our full attention and we will communicate any decisions we take in relation to this situation with our supporters in a transparent way at an appropriate time.”

He then added, off the record, “Rangers are fucked”, adding a “ha ha” like Nelson from the Simpsons.

Rangers announcement

Rangers yesterday announced they will no longer answer to the name Rangers due to a long running battle with their record label. The football club formerly known as Rangers will now be known as a symbol. This symbol, which can only be described as a giant wank sign, has been visible to most Aberdeen supporters on the cheek of Ally McCoist for the best part of twenty years. The football club formerly known as Rangers (WANK) are not going to be in the SPL next season!

Following on from the genuinely brilliant work of www.dollydigital.co.uk in turning Facebook red, in the run up to our Scottish Cup semi against Hibs (clearly waiting for them to get to a final was pushing the odds a bit there!!) Aberdeen supporters are now being urged to turn Facebook a rancid shade of shit brown.

This rather obvious sarcastic copycat move is in honour of the magnificent work by Craigie Broon in getting the club to EIGHTH, with the fourth highest budget in the league, losing to East Fife in the league cup, and for failing to beat a pish Hibs team in the semi final.

A spokesman for the Dandy Dons (that’ll be me then) said ‘it’s a fitting chance to give back to Broon what he’s been serving up to us all season. Here’s hoping Milne sends him on a one way SAGA holiday. Although to be fair to the man, he does manage to get through post match interviews without making a complete tit of himself, which is a massive improvement on Calderwood and McGhee, but really have we stooped so low, we are willing to accept a manager who can just about communicate with the media to an okay level, and that’s about all?’

A member of the Scottish media commented ‘Sacking managers hasn’t done Aberdeen any good in the past, if they hadn’t sacked Alex Smith all those years ago, they’d have at least nine league titles under their belt, and four Champion’s League titles. Yous know nothing’, before adding ‘Rangers are too big to go bust, David Murray is magnificent’.

The spokesman for the Dandy Dons, now clearly arguing with himself, in the third person, replied ‘sacking managers hasn’t got us into this mess, appointing shit managers has!’

Scottish football journalist Chic Young last night demanded former Titanic captain Sir David Murray be declared a living saint for his sterling work in, well everything he does and touches basically.

The former captain, who took early retirement just after the Titanic hit the huge fucking iceberg, with the five mile high flashing neon sign on it saying ‘ICEBERG you fucking cretin this type of fucking spending is ridiculous you egocentric incompetent tool’, before being replaced by Captain Arthur Daley.

Chic Young implored Sir David to be made a Saint, pointing out the journey towards the iceberg was ‘fucking magnificent’ and therefor he should be Saint David. End of.

A spokesperson for all other clubs, except Celtic, disagreed vehemently with Chic’s point. Adding ‘yes he should be declared a living saint, but not for the journey, but for hitting the fucking iceberg, it was fan-fucking-tastic, even better than my first ever wank, really I never thought life could feel that good’.

A spokesperson for Celtic supporters said ‘Declared a living Saint?! You fucking people really know shit all about religion, how can you honestly claim to be real football supporters’.

The rusting wreck of the Titanic will be allowed to continue in the SPL as all Scottish journalists say so. James Cameron will shortly be releasing a feature film on the event starring Leonardo de Caprio and Ally McCoist. The Dandy Dons may get round to photoshopping a version of this poster, with Sally McCoist in place of the lovely Kate Winslet, but it seems a bit sacrilegious, so I probably wont.

www.afc-chat.co.uk Check out the front page! Suspect it isn’t beating Queen of the South they are celebrating!

This is from the BBC sport website. It has not been altered.

Acropolis now

In a surprise appointment Jimmy Calderwood was last night announced as the new Greek Prime Minister. Calderwood, the former… you know who he is, said yesterday ‘ I’m delighted to get the job at the relegation and bankruptcy threatened country, and can’t wait to get started, working on my tan’.
On being asked how he had landed this job he explained ‘well I’ve been applying for every job going, then talking positively in the media about my chances, so the law of averages says, one of them is going to stick eventually’. He went on to add, ‘although frankly these Greeks need to lower their expectations a bit, it’s no the eighties anymore, and frankly they should be grateful I’ve taken this job, there are bigger countries interested in me, and if Italy were to make the call, well, ye know, they are a bigger country, and I’m ambitious, and… Italy, call me’.
Calderwood appointed the other Jimmy as Finance minister, and Sandy Clarke will be ironing the socks. Greece are thought to be fucked. So no change there.

Other News

With the announcement by James Murdoch he has not ruled out closing The Sun, due to the ongoing hacking revelations, ‘celebrity’ Aberdeen supporter (if Arsenal aren’t playing) and The Sun’s TV columnist, Ally Ross, was last night thought to be considering selling his solid gold castle, and downgrading to a solid silver one. He was also thought to be cacking himself that none of his witty comments about Eastenders could get him embroiled in the hacking scandal, as with his pretty face, prison would be hell. And that fake Scottish accent isn’t going to impress the ‘big lads’ in Pentonville.

With the news Aberdeen F.C had found a bonnie lassie to model their merchandise, Aberdeen women reacted with fury that once again Polish workers were stealing their jobs.

A spokeswoman for Aberdeen women and former Miss Aberdeen, Elsie Facelikeaskelpeterse (7 pints) said, ‘it’s an outrage! I’d hiv done it for five mock chop suppers and 20 minutes in the players changing room after a game, again. It’s just nae on min’.

A spokesman for Aberdeen supporters said ‘while we totally understand the concerns of Aberdeen women at this development, we all have to accept the influx of foreign talent is just part and parcel of the modern game’. Adding ‘and frankly I’ve knocked out quite a few since this particular honeypot appeared on the club’s site, so these whining ugly bitches should just fuck off’.

Down the years I may have referred to you as a complete and utter waste of space, symbolic of everything that is wrong in Scottish football whereby people of limited or no ability have consistently maintained top jobs despite having a highly dubious CV. I may have referred to you as part of the Largs mafia together with talentless balloons Andy Roxburgh, Alex Miller and Alex Smith. I may have referred to your time at Preston as finally being found out. Your time at Motherwell being built on McGhee’s previous good work, and your arrival at Aberdeen being ‘fuck me what the fuck are they thinking’. I may have referred to your time on Radio5live as ‘Is that rentaquote on again’. I may also have made references to your brother’s commentary work, in particular Aberdeen, Real Madrid where his tone of voice is at best ‘quite pleased’ on Johnny Hewitt’s extra time diving header, in an identical style to that had the goal been scored against St. Mirren in a League Cup 2nd round game. I may however have had a grudging respect towards your skills with the ladies and your continued playing of ‘the little fella’ despite his mature years. And after East Fife I’d …(let’s lose that line!)

It seems I was wrong. You may be a football manager after all. Well done Sir. Pa Broon’s Red and White Army!

I do however reserve the right to return to my previous opinion…

This is not, repeat NOT, a Mohamed cartoon! And a very warm welcome to our new man Mohamed Chalali. Let’s hope he walks like a butterfly, and scores like a bastard!
Aberdeen 1 Dundee 0 Scorer…

In other news, Aberdeen have introduced Park and Ride for Pittodrie. So, a bit like dogging, but with sheep…

The answer to that question in the headline, is not Gary Glitter…